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POPSTARS
Week One - Auditions
Across the UK, thousands of budding young stars gather at auditions in the hope that they will be picked out for the chance to join a brand new pop group. The Popstars panel, made up of Mrs Bradley, sexy Lisa Freel and Dangerous Dave are very impressed with the vast majority of the candidates. Kevin Stevenson's rendition of Agadoo in particular goes down a real treat.
Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley is also on impressive form, whipping out her enormous bongos and treating the judges to a blast of Ooh aah just a little bit by Gina G.
However one young hopeful sadly falls at the first hurdle. Craig Rae's belting recital of "the Sash" results in the tragic death of him when he is battered with chibs by all the tims.
Week Two - Second Round of Auditions
The hundreds of remaining candidates are invited to Ivanhoe Drugs Centre for further auditions in an attempt to whittle the numbers down to just 50. Straight away Jenjo Carr sets out her stall to impress the judges with a song and dance routine based upon the song by shakira, whenever wherever.
Everybody is delighted with the rendition and, despite the fact that she's a alcoholic and falls as she is steaming. Jenjo Carr makes it through to the next round of auditions. Young Bammy shamrock also progresses thanks to her amazing skills on the pink oboe.
Mhairi JR, unfortunately, isn't so lucky. The judges make the shock discovery that she doesn't actually fall into the correct age group for the competition. As soon as they realise that Mhairi JR is in fact a 35 year-old Wrestler from Hillhead, they send her straight back to the WWF. 'Perhaps we should have guessed from those massive muscles, sighs judge Dave ruefully.
Week Three - Third Round
Camp club singer Danny "Cream Buns" Docherty is the first hopeful to make a tit of himself after being invited to the third round of auditions in Twecher Beach Bar. He attempts a flamboyant pirouette as the other contestants whistle Crazy for you by Let Loose. As he spins, he whacks Bammy shamrock in the face, sparking off a full-scale brawl between the two of them.Bammy belts him in the mouth and knocks a few of his teeth out.
Less than impressed with this display of team harmony, the panel order both Danny "Cream Buns" Docherty and Bammy shamrock to leave.
Judge Mrs Bradley gives the remaining contestants a real scare when she calls them into a room and tells them she's got some bad news. 'I'm afraid you're all going to have to phone your parents and tell them you're going up the Bing for the final stage of auditions', he says, to the relief of everyone. What a joker.
Week Four - Auditions ~ Bing Style
The judges have now got 20 contestants left, and they need to get the number down to just ten. They split all of the hopefuls into groups and put them through a gruelling routine of poncing about and singing.
Alcoholic Jenjo Carr is a natural at this, but as she throws herself about like a randy hippo, the judges gather in a corner to whisper about her.
'Jenjo Carr's certainly got a big, erm, personality' says Susan tactfully. 'But there just isn't enough room in the band for her. She'll have to go.' Fortunately Jenjo Carr, with her well-rounded perspective on life, takes the news and then downs a bottle of MD.
Kevin Stevenson is another candidate who has problems. He's been suffering from a severe bout of flatulence and Danny Corbett convinces him that drinking 3 bottles of buckie the night before the final audition will provide a cure.
Funnily enough, when Kevin Stevenson wakes up, his flatulence is no better and his head hurts. Danny Corbett chuckles to himself, convinced that Kevin Stevenson will fail the audition and give Danny Corbett his path into the final 10 contestants.
However Danny Corbett's plan quite literally backfires when Mrs Bradley informs the remaining hopefuls that today's audition involves farting New York, New York in the style of a barbershop quartet. Kevin Stevenson is the star of the show, while Danny Corbett barely raises a squeak. Perhaps surprisingly for a girl, Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley also blows the judges away with some massive farts.The panel decide that Danny Corbett really is a big wanker and through
Week Five - Final Decision
Only Kevin Stevenson and Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley remain in the final ten Popstar contestants. The judges test out their communication skills by staging a mock press-conference.
However under heavy interrogation, Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley reveals that she used to be a drug-smuggling prostitute, although she only does it at weekends now. It's fair to say that Dangerous Dave, Sexy Lisa Freel and Mrs Bradley are not happy.
Kevin Stevenson fares a lot better, telling the hacks how much he admires Lawrence Higney and how he's always wanted to be Woman.
After the press conference, the judges sit down in a secret location to discuss their choice for the final band line-up. They spend literally minutes weighing up the pros and cons of each contestant before sitting back smugly and declaring 'Well darlings, we've got ourselves a band!'
The final decision
All that remains is for the candidates to be informed of the result. It is a decision which will undoubtedly change their lives for ever, and Kevin Stevenson and Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley are understandably nervous as they wait for the judges to visit them at home.
Mrs Bradley struggles to reach Kevin Stevenson's remote home and after 3 weeks of travelling across the Campsie hills.
Lisa , meanwhile, has popped round the corner for a cup of tea with Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley and her boyfriend Dick. Over the cuppa, Sexy Lisa Freel breaks the bad news that Sara "Attention seeker" Cawley will not be chosen for the final band. 'Look at it this way...' Lisa says comfortingly. 'You've always got your job at McDonalds'.
Eventually, despite the loss of her clothes and money,stolen by the the Farmer, Mrs Bradley reaches Kevin Stevenson's igloo. She sits Kevin Stevenson down and tells him to take a deep breath. 'It's been the hardest decision I've ever had to make', Mrs Bradley begins.
'But I'm afraid you haven't made it. In fact, none of you have. We're not even bothering with the band - we only did it for the TV ratings. There is a follow-up series next year you might be interested in taking part in though...'
'Yes?', enquires Kevin Stevenson, his eyes lighting up.
'Yes', says Mrs Bradley. 'It's called 'How Popstars Ruined My Life'. See you next year then...?'
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